1
00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:07,674
Well, this is good.
I'm not seeing anything
2
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:10,044
in the local news about all the
bodies we found in the bunker.
3
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:11,679
JAY:
That's one advantage
4
00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,547
to being on a first-name basis
with the county coroner.
5
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:15,816
Yeah, sounds like
you guys successfully
6
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,350
"buried the bodies." (laughs)
7
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,952
Please repeat that for Jay
and give me credit.
8
00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,621
Oh, this is a relief.
9
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,023
We can't have news like that
leaking on today of all days.
10
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,726
Woodstone is being considered
for inclusion
11
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:29,530
on a prestigious list of top
small hotels and B and Bs.
12
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:32,199
The guy from the list is
coming to check us out today.
13
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,033
JAY:
It's very important this goes well,
14
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:38,239
so, please, no ghost
shenanigans, I-I mean it.
15
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,741
Oh, hello. (chuckles)
16
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,210
You must be a cult ghost?
17
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:43,811
They keep coming over
from the bunker.
18
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,714
We're sort of a cult ghost
tourist attraction now.
19
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,583
This feels
very shenanigan adjacent.
20
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,585
Nice to meet you. I'm Eugene.
21
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,920
A fellow survivor.
22
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,388
Have you also found it difficult
23
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,124
to acclimate
to the outside world?
24
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:57,591
PETE:
Isaac, you were in the cult
25
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,093
for, like, four hours.
26
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:00,394
All of them harrowing.
27
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:01,761
HETTY:
Wait a second.
28
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,464
Are you Eugene Woodstone?
29
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,100
I'm Hetty Woodstone,
your ancestor,
30
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,668
- and I built this house.
- You know him?
31
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:11,272
He lived here for several months
in the late 1960s.
32
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,474
My parents shipped me up here
so I wouldn't embarrass them
33
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,743
at their precious
garden parties.
34
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,546
I was sort of the
black sheep of the family.
35
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,747
I'll say. Rumor has it
this poor fellow was cursed
36
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,383
with the infamous
Woodstone tail.
37
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,284
EUGENE:
It's just a small bump
38
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,553
at the base of my spine.
39
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:26,787
- It's...
- ISAAC: Fascinating.
40
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,389
Does it wag when you're happy?
41
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,558
I don't really want
to talk about it.
42
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:32,592
I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.
43
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,960
I am unafflicted.
44
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,596
Not that it's important.
45
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:36,997
What is going on?
46
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,832
The cult ghost is also
a distant relative.
47
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,369
Oh, is he the reason that
the cult was in our bunker?
48
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:44,272
Yeah. I thought they liked me
for my personality,
49
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,706
but in retrospect,
50
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:48,008
they just liked me
'cause I had access to a bunker.
51
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,310
Nailed it, Jay.
52
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:51,312
Oh, that sounds
like quite the tale.
53
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:56,150
I-I think he means T-A-L-E.
54
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,651
(quietly):
He can't hear us.
55
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,452
We don't have to dwell on it.
56
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,655
? ?
57
00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:06,159
Okay, I descummed
the shower,
58
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,995
I touched up the paint
in the Maple Suite
59
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:09,463
and I folded the toilet paper
60
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,565
into those fancy
little triangles.
61
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:15,503
So, now, I just need
to take a load off.
62
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:18,505
Oh, ho, that's nice.
63
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,972
I think we need
to lose the recliner.
64
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,709
- What do you mean?
- Well, it's not in line
65
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,077
with the rest of the decor,
is it?
66
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,747
Agreed. It stick out
like chair of Frasier's father
67
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,916
on TV program Frasier.
68
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,818
EUGENE: I'm not familiar
with that program.
69
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,320
We didn't have a working TV
in the bunker
70
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,888
so I would do a lot of magic
for the cult.
71
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,525
Oh, that's right,
you were an aspiring magician,
72
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,693
I recall your parents
whispering shamefully.
73
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,695
I didn't have my cups or rings
74
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,764
so I did a lot of thumb magic.
75
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,135
By Odin, your thumb.
76
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:50,538
(laughs) He's a warlock!
77
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:51,839
Uh, Jay.
(chuckles nervously)
78
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,006
Hetty was pointing out
that the recliner
79
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,343
doesn't go
with the rest of the room,
80
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:57,177
and honestly,
I kind of agree with her.
81
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,547
I mean, with the list guy
coming, why risk it?
82
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,415
You got this for me as a gift.
83
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,050
You remember when I almost
got dragged to hell
84
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,018
and you got this for me
so I would feel better?
85
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,521
Right. So how about we just
move it into another room?
86
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,056
Somewhere less public.
87
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:10,891
Can move into Thorfinn's room.
88
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,191
Oh, that's nice.
89
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,694
Thor's offering to take it.
90
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:17,197
Will be fun new place for Thor
and Flower to fornicate.
91
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,666
And that's all he said.
92
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,434
Fine. If it'll help us
with the list.
93
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:21,869
Speaking of which,
I've been emailing
94
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,903
with some other B and Bs
and they're telling me
95
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,374
this guy expects us
to grease his palm.
96
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:27,707
Like a bribe?
97
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,343
JAY:
Like a very nice welcome gift.
98
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:30,910
So I did some Insta-stalking,
99
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,580
and turns out
he's really into antiques.
100
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,081
Well, that's great.
101
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:35,548
We have a ton of old crap
around here.
102
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,551
- (clears throat)
- I mean exquisite heirlooms.
103
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:41,955
Hey, Thor, I think there's
something behind your ear.
104
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,891
Oh, it's my thumb.
105
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,224
(Thorfinn laughs)
106
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,927
You are a most
impressive sorcerer.
107
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:51,332
Yet he could never
conjure a job or a wife.
108
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,933
Abracadabra.
109
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,702
I think not.
110
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:57,638
So what do you think?
111
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,007
Isn't that Jay's recliner?
112
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:04,243
Yeah, Sam give to Jay to
demonstrate her eternal love,
113
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,914
but then get rid of over
some minor decorating concern.
114
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,916
So now we are lucky recipients.
115
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,785
Oh, wow.
116
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:15,289
Thanks, Thor, uh, it's just, um,
117
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:17,391
I can't have this in my room.
118
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,459
It's made of leather.
119
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:20,594
So?
120
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,596
So they killed a cow
to make that.
121
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,365
That cow could have
had a family.
122
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:27,467
A mom, a-a dad,
maybe a secret lover.
123
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:32,105
Yes, but chair very comfy
so we keeping.
124
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,641
Thor, you're not listening
to me.
125
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,777
I'm telling you
I don't want the chair.
126
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,679
And Thor telling you
we keeping it.
127
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,649
Thor not care that chair
was once unfaithful cow.
128
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,417
Fine, Thor.
129
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,951
Keep the stupid chair.
130
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,119
Thank you.
131
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,120
Now, on the other subject,
132
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,624
can you check Thor's ear
for strange thumbs?
133
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:54,127
Thor think Thor might
have problem.
134
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,129
The list guy is pulling up.
135
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,831
Did you settle on something
to give him?
136
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,632
No, Hetty was being impossible.
137
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,569
She was claiming some
sentimental attachment
138
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,604
- to every item in the house.
- Okay, well,
139
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,304
- is she in here right now?
- No.
140
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,640
Alberta made up a lie
to get her to the restaurant.
141
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,676
Great, well,
then just pick anything.
142
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,243
- How about that paperweight?
- Oh, no.
143
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,145
Apparently that was Hetty's
"correcting" paperweight
144
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:13,981
that she would sometimes
throw at the butlers.
145
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,314
Yeah, I can see
how that could be
146
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,650
a very special keepsake for her.
147
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,319
What about that box?
It's pretty.
148
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,356
SAMANTHA:
Yeah, this is nice.
149
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:24,658
Fine, let's just do it.
150
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,158
But what if it's important
to Hetty?
151
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,861
Better to beg forgiveness
than ask permission.
152
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:29,496
That's what Ben Franklin said
153
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:30,831
- before polishing off
- (door closes)
154
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,366
the entire Christmas goose.
155
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:33,833
Ah, hello.
156
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,035
I'm Paul from
Boutique Hotels of the World.
157
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,271
Hi, Paul. I'm Samantha.
This is my husband Jay.
158
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,607
Welcome to Woodstone.
159
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:43,210
The judging begins
with your handshake.
160
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,177
Adequate.
161
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,047
He persnickety
and overly formal.
162
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,416
I like him.
163
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,717
Very interesting
older property you have here.
164
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,385
That's a nice way
of calling it a dump.
165
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,422
Give him the gift, Sammy.
Grease that palm.
166
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,524
Uh, we have
a welcome gift for you.
167
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,192
- It's this... box.
- Oh.
168
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,360
This is exquisite.
169
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,363
What a rare find.
170
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:04,898
An early 19th century parlor box
171
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,535
with steeple-tip hinges.
172
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,670
Well, that was a waste of time.
173
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,139
Alberta thought she saw
Colin Farrell at Mahesh.
174
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,975
In my defense, as a celebrity
I have celebrity blindness.
175
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,710
Well, you must be exhausted
after your travels.
176
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,413
Yeah, let me show you
to your room.
177
00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:21,248
Is that the list fellow?
178
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,816
Why is he holding my parlor box?
179
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,785
You didn't give him that
as a welcome gift, did you?
180
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,887
Yes, I did,
and just deal with it.
181
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,588
You really
should've asked me first.
182
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,558
Why? You would've just said no.
183
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:31,925
Yes, I would have.
184
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,695
Because it has a false bottom
full of cocaine.
185
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,497
- What?!
- HETTY: That's right.
186
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,398
Peru's finest.
187
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:41,001
So unless the purity
of your narcotics
188
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,604
is one of the list categories
on which you're being judged,
189
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,907
I suggest you get that box back.
190
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,014
Why was there cocaine
in the box?
191
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,016
Because it was my box
and I love cocaine.
192
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,551
Can't argue
with that explanation.
193
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,352
HETTY:
Plus, that was in here this whole time?
194
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,721
I was searching
for it frantically
195
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,255
when I possessed your husband.
196
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,024
I was going to return him to you
with a hole in his septum
197
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,025
the size of Rhode Island.
198
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,560
JAY:
Hey, babe.
199
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,862
This is going so well.
200
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,197
He thinks the room
is super cute.
201
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,565
He loved the folded
toilet paper.
202
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:13,867
Jay, the box we gave him
has a false bottom
203
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,335
that's full of cocaine.
204
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,703
Damn it, ghosts!
205
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:19,473
That falls squarely
in the shenanigans zone!
206
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,041
Shenanigans Zone.
207
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,476
I used to take Laura there
when she was a little girl.
208
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:23,577
Great pizza.
209
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,412
Maybe this isn't a problem.
210
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,080
Maybe this guy loves drugs.
211
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,549
This is really bad.
212
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,217
Even if he doesn't find it,
213
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,920
he could get busted when he goes
through security at the airport.
214
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:36,490
We're not gonna get on the list
if Paul's in jail, Sam.
215
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,325
Why don't you just
ask for the box back?
216
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:39,493
We can't take it back.
217
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,061
- He loves it.
- Plus,
218
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:42,563
if you ask for it back now,
it's just going to seem
219
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,131
like you heard him say
how valuable it was
220
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,534
and that you wanted to keep it
for yourselves.
221
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,268
I'm sorry I suggested that box.
222
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:50,838
Another typical Eugene screwup.
223
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,072
Stupid Eugene.
224
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,941
Look, this ain't that hard.
225
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,643
You just got to wait for him
to leave the room, find the box,
226
00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:57,878
empty out the drugs
and then put the box back.
227
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,980
I've done this a million times.
228
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,549
Alberta's saying we should
sneak into the room,
229
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,416
take the box
and get rid of the drugs.
230
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:04,718
All I'm hearing are
231
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,418
"shenanigans, shenanigans,
shenanigans."
232
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,454
One seat at every table
had a whoopee cushion.
233
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,758
(blows raspberry)
Shenanigans.
234
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:13,527
ALBERTA:
Oh, can we watch that murder show again?
235
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,796
I just want to watch whatever
Thor wants to watch.
236
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:20,266
He's a big strong man and he
makes all my decisions for me.
237
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,601
What now?
238
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,003
I'm sorry, is everything okay
between you two?
239
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,305
Flower little upset
because I put foot down,
240
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:27,139
decide to keep chair in room
241
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:30,010
despite being made
from promiscuous cow.
242
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,144
Uh, o-okay, hold on,
I-I don't mean to butt in,
243
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,446
but it sounds like
maybe you guys
244
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:35,749
are having some
problems communicating.
245
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,217
You know I'd be happy to help.
246
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:38,952
I was a travel agent.
247
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,121
- So?
- So, being a travel agent
248
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,657
is basically like being
a couples counselor.
249
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,157
One person wants to go to Fiji.
250
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:46,894
The other person wants
to go to Paris.
251
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,162
Well, it was my job to help them
find common ground.
252
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,664
And steer them toward Orlando.
253
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,166
(chuckles):
You can't beat it.
254
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,703
God, that place is the best.
255
00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:57,337
You missed a spot.
256
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,006
Oh, I'm just pretending.
257
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:01,174
I'm waiting for Paul to leave
so I can get into his room.
258
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,010
It seems just as easy
to actually dust
259
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,978
as it is to pretend to dust.
260
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,247
- Can you not right now?
- (stairs creaking)
261
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:08,981
Okay, he just left
to go on a walk.
262
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,818
Isaac, let us know
if he comes back!
263
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:13,220
Will do!
264
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,523
I was a captain, I think
I can handle a simple lookout.
265
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,325
- Hey, man.
- Hello, Eugene.
266
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:19,660
I can't be bothered right now.
267
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,029
I'm carrying out a very
important mission.
268
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,163
That's cool.
269
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,998
Crazy about the cult, huh?
270
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,000
(smacks lips)
Indeed.
271
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,837
I heard you got in
on the first try.
272
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:33,339
- Really? You heard about that?
- (door opens)
273
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,008
Yeah, you're, like,
the talk of the cult.
274
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,044
- (door closes)
- How did you do it, by the way?
275
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,045
It's like unheard of.
276
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,214
Uh, well, you see, Eugene,
it's all about...
277
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:42,683
(inhales) confidence.
278
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:45,252
Now when confidence
meets competence, well,
279
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:48,622
then you get something
very special.
280
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,858
Now press on this part
with your thumb
281
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,525
to release the false bottom.
282
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,061
I got it.
283
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:57,029
HETTY:
Now do a little and describe it to me.
284
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,732
Slowly.
285
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,400
Sam! He's coming!
He came back early.
286
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:02,703
No.
287
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:05,072
- Uh...
- HETTY: Uh...
288
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,408
(door creaking)
289
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,078
HETTY:
Under the bed?
290
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,412
That's what you chose?
291
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:13,913
Sam, you work here.
292
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,883
You could've been
changing towels,
293
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:18,351
or re-triangling
the toilet paper.
294
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:20,888
Oh, and now he's sitting down
to read a book.
295
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,823
Boy, are you in a big mess.
296
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:27,427
Thank you for agreeing
to do couples therapy
297
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:28,896
with a licensed travel agent.
298
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,898
I think you've made
a very wise decision.
299
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:33,266
Do travel agents need licenses?
300
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,567
They do not
but I made one for myself.
301
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,937
Laminated it and everything.
302
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,739
Now, uh, Flower,
you were saying you didn't like
303
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,775
how Thor handled
this disagreement.
304
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:45,012
Yeah, he was just
so stubborn about it.
305
00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:47,781
Argument is like battle--
306
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,250
it must be won at all costs.
307
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,119
It is actually very similar
308
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:56,256
to disagreement Thor have
long ago with Viking wife Olga.
309
00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:00,961
Olga, I have returned
from battle victorious.
310
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,463
Oh, Thor, how I've missed you.
311
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:06,934
(sighs):
Thor think about you whole time.
312
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:11,638
In fact, Thor bring you back
souvenir from Denmark.
313
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:13,440
(Thor laughs)
314
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,107
Is Dane head.
315
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:18,712
Will look perfect on beam,
tie room together.
316
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,112
(Olga sighs)
317
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:22,314
Huh? Huh?
318
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,517
So you're saying
she didn't want to hang
319
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:25,953
a severed head
in your living room?
320
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,989
Yeah, Olga want Thor
to put head in fish room
321
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,456
where no one see.
(chuckles)
322
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:33,126
But Thor get his way,
Thor not back down.
323
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:36,096
- Thor win argument.
- (Flower scoffs)
324
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,998
Like battle, you see?
325
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:39,499
The only thing I see
326
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,301
is that you're making
the exact same mistakes
327
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,304
in our relationship as you made
with Olga a thousand years ago.
328
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:45,572
THORFINN:
No, I'm not.
329
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:46,839
Yes, you are.
330
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:47,841
No!
331
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,810
Whatever. This is pointless.
332
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,578
(Thorfinn huffs)
333
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,146
No, it's not!
334
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:55,682
(Thorfinn sighs heavily)
335
00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:58,085
And just like that...
336
00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,820
battle won.
337
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:01,988
Right.
338
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,490
PAUL:
I was going to take a walk
339
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,025
but it looked like rain.
340
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,493
Don't panic, Samantha.
341
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:08,661
This conversation sounds
like it's winding down,
342
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:09,997
after which point
he'll surely leave.
343
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,298
PAUL:
Oh, no.
344
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,334
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
345
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,804
- Tell me everything.
- TREVOR: Oy gevalt!
346
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,438
Where is Jay, already?
347
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,672
- I thought you texted Jay.
- (knocking)
348
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,375
Hey, Paul.
349
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,044
Ooh, I'll call you right back.
350
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,612
HETTY:
And here is Jay,
351
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,514
armed with what I am sure
is a can't-miss gambit.
352
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,850
You... want to see a lizard
on the porch?
353
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:32,052
Oh, I'm deathly allergic
to lizards.
354
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,720
But thank you for the warning.
355
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,054
I'll stay right here.
356
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,523
- (Hetty sighs)
- Come on, Jay.
357
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:38,390
Actually, why don't you
come down to the restaurant.
358
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,692
I made some hors d'oeuvres
special for you.
359
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,696
Um, yeah, thank you,
that sounds very nice.
360
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,698
Let me just change
into my loafers.
361
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,701
Now, where are my loafers?
362
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,703
Ah.
363
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:51,972
Oh, he's gonna
look under the bed.
364
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:54,074
Oh, damn it, Samantha.
365
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,575
If you had partook,
366
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:56,743
you would at least
be high as a kite right now.
367
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,146
Sam! Here he comes.
368
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,480
What the hell?
369
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,749
Here's your loafers.
(chuckles nervously)
370
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,557
- Samantha? Hi.
- Hi.
371
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,559
Hi.
372
00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:13,793
Eventually,
she's gonna have to say
373
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,062
something other than "hi."
374
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,997
He got by me. I don't know how.
375
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,030
So... (chuckles)
376
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,399
It's a funny story.
377
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,869
I was just coming in here
to change the sheets,
378
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,370
and I lost a contact lens,
379
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,139
which I could've sworn
rolled under the bed.
380
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:28,541
You know, I've seen
a lot of innkeepers
381
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,743
try a lot of different things
to gain an advantage--
382
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,214
hidden cameras,
listening at the door--
383
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,416
but hiding under a bed?
384
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:40,153
No, it's nothing like that.
I just, I-I have narcolepsy.
385
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,554
I fell asleep.
386
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,223
Well, that settles that.
Paul, would you like to see
387
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,557
our magical creek?
388
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,526
My cousin has narcolepsy.
389
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:47,894
What do you take for it?
390
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,897
Oh, no.
He's testing you, Samantha.
391
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:51,431
Tread carefully.
392
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:55,735
There is no medication
for narcolepsy.
393
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,105
There are several.
394
00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,940
- Right.
- Listen, I don't know what you two are up to,
395
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:02,741
but I've seen enough
to know that Woodstone B and B
396
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:05,612
is nowhere near
worthy of my list.
397
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,413
Please leave my room.
398
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,949
Sorry.
399
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,118
I rode a narcoleptic horse once.
400
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:12,920
It was a short ride.
401
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,088
Let me ask you something, Thor.
402
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,790
After you "won"
this argument with Olga
403
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,426
about the Dane's head,
404
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,161
was anything different
between you two?
405
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:25,097
Now that you mention it,
maybe there were a few things.
406
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,600
Olga really not want
to hang out in that room.
407
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:32,139
She not want to watch fire
with Thor anymore.
408
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,873
Made Thor very lonely.
409
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,475
That's tough.
410
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:38,078
Thor, are you familiar
with the concept
411
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,812
of a pyrrhic victory?
412
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,613
I think you know answer to that.
413
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:44,651
Well, it was named after
a king who won a battle,
414
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:46,819
but he lost so many men
in the process
415
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,322
that he realized it
may not have been worth it.
416
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,324
And in the end, he lost the war.
417
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:55,328
Whoa. So sometimes, someone can
418
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,697
win battle of argument
419
00:14:57,797 --> 00:15:01,300
but lose war of relationship.
420
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,169
Not exactly how
I would put it, but, yeah,
421
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,038
it seems like you're
getting the general concept.
422
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,074
(laughs):
Yes!
423
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,641
Thor win therapy.
424
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:10,577
Sure.
425
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,179
I can't believe this.
426
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,646
We screwed up so bad.
427
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,315
Babe, we can't
beat ourselves up.
428
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,184
Who would have guessed
that there would've been
429
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,820
a bunch of cocaine
in an old wooden box?
430
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,691
(laughs) Yes, who indeed?
431
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,426
Oh, wait. Me.
432
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,561
- What are you talking about?
- Pretty ironic, huh?
433
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,496
The so-called
screwup of the family
434
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,199
flawlessly executes
a revenge plan?
435
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,834
I was the one who suggested
436
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,003
the box in the first place,
437
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:37,869
which I knew, from family lore,
438
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,872
is where Hetty Woodstone
kept her stash.
439
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,676
Using cocaine
for nefarious purposes?
440
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:45,078
How dare you?
441
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,846
Then I intentionally
distracted Isaac
442
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:47,981
so that Paul would
443
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:49,316
catch you in his room.
444
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,683
ISAAC:
That is no way to treat
445
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,019
a cult brother.
446
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,353
Is it because I got in
on the first try? Hmm?
447
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,223
- Is it jealousy?
- HETTY: I don't understand.
448
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,991
Why would you do this?
449
00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:01,061
Because I hate the Woodstones.
450
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,563
This family
treated me like a freak
451
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,332
just because I was different.
452
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,134
Hey, how do you feel
about tacos tonight?
453
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:10,170
Shh. I think Eugene is doing
his villain origin story,
454
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,472
but, yeah, tacos do sound good.
455
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,073
I never fit in.
456
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,975
I marched to the beat
of my own drum.
457
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:19,878
I told my parents I wanted
to go to magic school.
458
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:21,348
- Is that a real thing?
- I don't know,
459
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,916
but I want
to stuff this guy in a locker.
460
00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,552
But my parents forced me
to go to a fancy college.
461
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,087
I couldn't keep up.
462
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,388
Eventually, when I flunked out,
they told me
463
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,591
I didn't deserve
the Woodstone name.
464
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:36,529
Eugene, I just have one thing
to say to you after all of this.
465
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:38,730
I'm sorry.
466
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:39,999
What?
467
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:44,904
For generations, we Woodstones
have spent too much time
468
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:48,041
concealing anything that
made us seem less than perfect.
469
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:51,178
I spent a century
hiding my son's crimes
470
00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:53,245
and also...
471
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,382
the nature of my own demise,
472
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,449
and it only ever
led to isolation
473
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:00,653
and loneliness,
so I say no more.
474
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:02,955
Yes! They got
the poblano tonight.
475
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:07,294
Shame is a problem that is
passed down in families,
476
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:08,795
not unlike the Woodstone tail.
477
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:13,133
And the only cure
for shame is sunlight.
478
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,801
Which, unfortunately, is not
a cure for the Woodstone tail.
479
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:16,935
They tried that.
480
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:19,639
Thank you
for saying that, Hetty.
481
00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:22,809
I agree with Hetty.
482
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,477
I don't condone your actions,
483
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,779
but I do understand them now,
484
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,281
and I think I have an idea.
485
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:32,484
Oh, is it to see
if you can hang a coat on it?
486
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,154
On what?
487
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:37,857
Come on. (scoffs)
488
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:40,159
SAMANTHA:
Paul, we need to talk to you.
489
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,961
Thank you,
but I'm not interested
490
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:44,164
in hearing
any more fabrications.
491
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:47,100
That's just it.
I was lying to you.
492
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,337
I snuck into your room to steal
back the box we gave you
493
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:51,838
because...
494
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,373
it's full of cocaine.
495
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:54,474
Excuse me?
496
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,109
Girl, what are you doing?
497
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,676
We didn't realize
there were drugs in it
498
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:58,678
when we gave it to you,
499
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,180
but the truth is, an antique box
500
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,315
full of 19th-century narcotics
501
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,016
perfectly epitomizes
this family.
502
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:07,987
I've been so preoccupied
trying to paint a rosy picture.
503
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:10,557
This property's history
is so much messier
504
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:11,991
and so much more interesting.
505
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,361
Like Hetty,
the woman who owned that box?
506
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:18,298
Her son murdered
a jazz singer right inside
507
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,267
- this house.
- JAY: And Hetty's husband,
508
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,201
he was this brutal
robber baron who died
509
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,504
before he could be held
accountable for his sins.
510
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,374
He suffocated in a secret
vault in the basement.
511
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:28,541
HETTY:
And he was riddled
512
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,710
with syphilis.
Add that please.
513
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,045
Right out there on the lawn,
an innocent cuckold
514
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,515
was shot through the neck
by a ten-year-old girl.
515
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:38,418
Okay. I guess it's just
nice to be included.
516
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,853
This mansion's history is
full of bootlegging and murder
517
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,056
- and war and...
- Syphilis.
518
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,458
...syphilis.
519
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,693
The point is that
520
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,961
I was so worried
that Woodstone's flaws
521
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,530
would stop us
from being on the list,
522
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,031
but honestly?
523
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,301
I think you should
put us on it because of them.
524
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,203
JAY:
Well?
525
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,405
What do you think, Paul?
526
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,108
You're telling me
this box is full of cocaine?
527
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,544
Uh, yeah.
528
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:05,711
Can I keep it?
529
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,214
Excuse me?
530
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:09,882
If I can keep it,
you make the list.
531
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,351
And there it is.
532
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,086
There's a little bit
of Woodstone in all of us.
533
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,587
It's yours.
534
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:16,722
Great.
535
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,758
We'll be in touch.
Congratulations.
536
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,892
(laughing):
Well, thank you.
537
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,095
It didn't go
how I expected it to go
538
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:25,764
but it'll make a hell of a tale.
539
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:28,235
Come on, man.
540
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,740
- What are we watching?
- Oh, House Hunters.
541
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,943
No, I mean what is that thing?
542
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,745
That's a television, sweetie.
543
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,280
Oh, right on.
544
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:43,449
Flower, do you have moment?
545
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,917
What do you want, Thor?
546
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:48,054
Thor want to talk to you about
argument we have earlier.
547
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:49,588
- Hmm.
- If Flower
548
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:50,957
not want chair in our room,
549
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,492
then we can get rid of chair
550
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,461
because relationship
about compromise,
551
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:59,532
and compromise mean
doing what woman want.
552
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:00,767
Really, Thor?
553
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,434
Do you mean that?
554
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,304
Thor may be oldest ghost
but sometimes
555
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,139
slowest to learn lesson.
556
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,209
But if Flower
willing to be patient,
557
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,144
Thor will make effort
558
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,647
because Flower worth it.
559
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:18,485
Aw, you're worth it too,
big guy.
560
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,953
- Love making is imminent!
- Yay!
561
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:24,323
ALBERTA: Aw! But they're
about to pick the house.
562
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,058
Can't y'all just go
into a different room?
563
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,794
No, too late.
564
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,661
Process has already started.
565
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:31,998
Sorry. You're welcome
to watch, join in.
566
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,466
Cheering is appreciated.
567
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,268
Mm-mm, I'm going, I'm going.
568
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:36,636
Let me know what happens.
569
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,871
- Well, first Thor is going to...
- No, I meant
570
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,507
the show!
571
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,175
God darn, you freaks.
572
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:50,317
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
573
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,051
and TOYOTA.
574
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:54,587
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
575
00:20:54,637 --> 00:20:59,187
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0